I read an article this morning that was explaining that we have become a race of people who are always available. And this makes us easier to sell to, and easier to control. There was more to it, but that was the gist.
It struck a chord because I have been feeling exhausted lately. And part of that exhaustion has come from being available to everyone else for so long. It’s a feeling on a soul level as much as a mental and physical level. Something I am not just bouncing back from “after a good night’s rest” type exhaustion. What I need is a little kick up the arse in the self-loyalty department.
I think we sometimes treat rest as though it’s an empty space in our calendars, just waiting to be filled. And this year I have been well guilty of overfilling my calendar. I clearly needed a reminder to stop overcommitting and always being available for others.
We often talk about loyalty in terms of other people. We can be a loyal employee. A loyal daughter. A loyal mother. A loyal friend. We pride ourselves on being capable, helpful and available. Someone who shows up, keeps their word and doesn’t let others down. But what happens when those loyalties consistently come at the expense of our loyalty to ourselves?
When we say yes to somebody else, knowing we’re already exhausted?
When we interrupt our own plans because somebody else’s plans have suddenly become our responsibility (or emergency; I’m looking at you emails!)?
When we treat our own needs as negotiable but everyone else’s as important?
Some days I feel a bit like Dory in Finding Nemo. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Support everyone else, neglect yourself, and whatever you do, just keep smiling.
A couple of years ago I remember doing a session with my coach. I was exhausted from juggling all of life’s demands on my own. I was so used to being the dependable one who just got on with things, that putting myself first did not even enter my head.
She introduced me to the idea of self-loyalty. It was the first time I had ever heard of it. Middle aged and only hearing about self-loyalty for the first time. Wow, is my face red.
To help the idea sink in, we did a little reinforcing exercise together.
“Repeat after me,” she said. “Me first. Me second. Everyone else third.”
Wait. WHAT?!
But she wasn’t letting me off that easily. She made me say it.
Out LOUD.
The first attempt was a pathetic little mumble, like a classroom full of schoolkids droning, “Good morning, Mrs Somebody-or-utha.”
“Say it again,” she said. “And louder!”
So I did.
And then I did it again. (I felt like I was having my very own Tom Cruise moment).
And the louder I got, the bigger my smile became. By the end, my jaw ached from grinning and I was thumping my chest, declaring, “ME FIRST! ME SECOND! EVERYONE ELSE THIRD!”
I walked away feeling lighter, as though someone had handed me permission to look at everyday life differently. That I was worthy of being a priority in my own life. Afterwards, I sat with a ridiculously simple question. What do I actually want?
(Quickly followed by, ‘How the hell did it take getting to midlife to ask myself what I want?’)
Not what would make everyone else happy. Not what I think I should want. Not what looks sensible or impressive or productive. What do I want? I found that question rather confronting at first. After years of being guided by what needed doing, I wasn’t particularly practised at asking what I wanted to do.
If you want to read more about saying no, jump over here Start Saying No – Next Chapter Transformations
What Is Self-Loyalty?
Self-loyalty is the commitment to honour your values, needs, identity and wellbeing, even when doing so means disappointing others, challenging expectations or choosing a different path. It means extending that same consideration to yourself as you afford to others. Keeping promises to yourself. Trusting your judgement. Giving yourself the opportunity to pursue things that matter to you.
It means treating the relationship you have with yourself as one worth protecting. It’s not about becoming the most important person in every room. It’s about recognising that you’re an important person in your own life.
An important distinction: self-loyalty isn’t a single, formally established psychological theory. It’s better understood as an idea that brings together several concepts, including autonomy, self-compassion, authenticity and personal boundaries.
Four foundations of self-loyalty
1. Being true to your values – Making decisions based on what genuinely matters to you rather than automatically following other people’s expectations.
Psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan identify autonomy, experiencing ownership of your choices as a fundamental psychological need. Deci and Ryan — Self-Determination Theory
2. Protecting your personal boundaries – Recognising that your time, attention, energy and emotional capacity are finite.
Self-loyalty means considering your own needs before agreeing to someone else’s request, rather than automatically making yourself available. Loyalty is generally regarded as a virtue, but it can create conflicts when our commitments compete.
3. Practising self-compassion – Treating yourself with the same understanding you’d offer somebody you care about.
Researcher Kristin Neff distinguishes between tender self-compassion and fierce self-compassion, the latter involving taking action to protect ourselves, meet our needs and make changes when necessary. Kristin Neff — Fierce Self-Compassion
4. Allowing yourself to change – Being loyal to yourself doesn’t mean remaining loyal to every decision you’ve ever made.
It means recognising that your needs, ambitions and identity can evolve. You can change your mind about a career, a responsibility, a relationship dynamic or what you want your life to look like.
Is Self-Loyalty Selfish? Why Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong
I think many of us have grown up with a fairly clear idea of what being a good person looks like. You help people. You work hard. You contribute. You don’t make everything about yourself.
But somewhere along the way, it’s possible to start believing that considering your own needs is somehow less admirable than considering everyone else’s. You might feel perfectly comfortable encouraging a friend to take a break, pursue an interest or make a decision that’s right for her.
But when it comes to doing the same thing for yourself, well, that’s different.
Shouldn’t I be doing something more useful?
Isn’t that a bit indulgent?
What will people think?
I don’t think those questions necessarily disappear just because we recognise them.
When my coach first instructed me to declare, “Me first. Me second. Everyone else third,” I was more than a bit perplexed. Because surely putting myself first meant putting everyone else last? But that’s not really what she was asking me to do.
She was challenging an assumption I’d been carrying for years: that my own needs were automatically less important than everyone else’s. Self-loyalty doesn’t mean you stop caring about other people. It doesn’t mean your preferences always take precedence, or that you never compromise. Relationships involve give and take. Responsibilities don’t magically disappear because you’ve discovered a new concept.
But you can care about other people without continually treating yourself as an afterthought. You can consider what someone else wants while also considering what you want. And you can make choices that are right for you without needing everyone else to agree with them. I think that’s the distinction I was missing.
And sometimes that means learning to say no. Something I’ve explored a little more in Start Saying No.
Selfishness disregards other people’s needs. Self-loyalty makes sure you don’t disregard your own.
How to Practise Self-Loyalty in Everyday Life
One of the things I’ve come to understand about being loyal to myself, (although some days I need more practice than others) is that it’s in the plans I make, the opportunities I give myself and the choices I allow myself to enjoy.
Here are three areas I’ve been thinking about.
1. Keep the Promises You Make to Yourself
We’re generally pretty good at understanding what it means to keep a commitment to someone else. If we’ve agreed to meet a friend for lunch, we put it in the diary. If we’ve promised to help someone with something, we make time.
Perhaps we could start treating the commitments we make to ourselves with the same consideration. The walk we’ve been meaning to take. The book we want to read. The afternoon we planned to spend writing, painting, gardening or doing absolutely nothing. I’m not suggesting we should turn every passing thought into a binding contract with ourselves. Good grief. Imagine the paperwork.
And sometimes plans change because we genuinely want them to. But there’s a difference between changing your mind and repeatedly putting something you care about aside because everything else seems more deserving of your time.
It’s been an interesting few years since my coach introduced me to self-loyalty and I am still in need of a good reminder. But I’ve been learning to take the things I want to do a little more seriously. Because I don’t want to keep telling myself that something matters to me and then never making room for it.
If I want more creativity in my life, at some point I have to give myself time to create. If I want to explore somewhere new, I need to actually go. And if I’ve promised myself an afternoon off, I can resist the temptation to fill it with jobs.
2. Back Yourself Like You’d Back Someone You Love
Think about someone you care about telling you they want to try something new. Perhaps they want to change careers, learn a skill, start a business, write a book or take up something they’ve always been curious about.
What would you say?
You’d probably encourage them. You might remind them of their strengths, tell them how much they’ve already achieved, or suggest they give it a go and see what happens.
Now imagine telling yourself the same thing. Sometimes the encouragement can become a rather lengthy interrogation. We can get in our own heads, or in our own way and the internal dialogue starts:
Are you sure you’re good enough?
What if you make a fool of yourself?
What if you spend all that time and effort and nothing comes of it?
I’ve become much more aware of how often I want a guarantee before I’m willing to try something. A guarantee that I’ll be good at it or that other people will like it. That I won’t fail or feel embarrassed. Which is a fairly ridiculous standard when you think about it. And if it fails, well hopefully I have some funny stories to share.
Besides how the hell am I supposed to discover what I’m capable of if I only attempt things I already know I can do?
I’ve realised I want much more creativity in my life. More opportunities to explore ideas, write, learn and have a go at things that interest me. Not necessarily because they’ll become successful, or I have a detailed plan for where they’ll lead. But because I want to find out.
Self-loyalty, to me, includes being willing to take a chance on myself. It also means recognising what I’ve already achieved rather than immediately focusing on what I haven’t done yet.
I can be enormously encouraging when someone else is taking a leap. And I’m learning to offer myself a little of that same enthusiasm.
3. Make Room for Things You Actually Enjoy
For the past two winters, I’ve developed a Saturday night ritual that I absolutely love. By 5pm, I’m in bed, Uber Eats is on the agenda, Netflix is ready to go, sometimes I read and sometimes I write. And I couldn’t be happier.
There’s the occasional fleeting thought of, Should I be wanting to go out on a Saturday night?
But I don’t want to go out. I want to be exactly where I am. And I’ve come to realise that this is part of self-loyalty too. It’s not always about setting boundaries, having difficult conversations or making big life changes. Sometimes it’s simply knowing what you enjoy and allowing yourself to enjoy it, without needing a better reason.
I’ve also been thinking about all the other things I want more of.
More laughter. More wandering around markets and gardens. More brunches with friends and deep conversations with people I love. More time to explore my interests. More indulgence. More opportunities to do something just because it sounds like fun.
And perhaps less time questioning whether those things are worthwhile. Because somewhere along the way, I have developed the idea that my time is most valuable when I’m doing something productive.
Why Self-Loyalty Matters in Midlife
I’ve found that reaching midlife has brought with it a fair bit of questioning. Because the things that once mattered enormously don’t always hold quite the same appeal. Like spending years working towards a particular kind of life, only to reach a point where you realise some of your priorities have changed.
I’ve started looking at different areas of my life and asking myself where I’m at and what I actually want now. Not just what needs attention or improvement. What would make this part of my life more enjoyable, interesting and fulfilling?
It’s something I’ve been exploring in my writing about intentional living, particularly the difference between living according to what we actually want and simply doing what we’ve always done.
I want more understanding and compassion for myself, including the fears and experiences that have shaped me. And I definitely want a bit more rest!
But wanting more for myself isn’t enough if I continually treat those wants as optional. Self-loyalty is part of how I’m learning to take those wants seriously. And perhaps that’s one of the opportunities midlife gives us.
A chance to ask whether the life we’re living still reflects the person we’ve become.
Learning to Be on Your Own Side
Maybe reading that article this morning about always being available was a great opportunity to refresh my loyalty to self.
Reflecting on that coaching session a few years ago, I didn’t leave that session suddenly ‘self-loyal’. There were years of habits and expectations to question, and I’m still working on some of them.
But the question it raised, ‘What do I want?’ was valuable. And the permission to find out has been the practice.
If you’ve been wondering what you actually want too, I created the free 7 for 7 Life Check-In™.
Seven simple questions to help you take stock of different areas of your life, reconnect with what matters to you and consider what you might want more of.
No pressure to change everything. Just a little space to start including yourself in your own plans.
Enjoyed this little wander through my brain?
I also share more personal stories, observations and occasional nonsense over on Substack. It’s where I explore the messiness, humour and possibilities of this next chapter of life.
If you’d like more of that in your inbox, come and join me on Substack.
No grand reinvention required. Just good stories and the occasional questionable life decision. 😂
Stephanie Lockwood is an author, writer and founder of Next Chapter Transformations and the 7 for 7 Method™.
She writes about intentional living, self-trust, navigating life’s changes and the wonderfully messy business of figuring out what you want from your next chapter.
Through personal stories, practical ideas and a healthy dose of humour, Stephanie encourages women to question the expectations they’ve inherited, trust themselves a little more and start making choices that actually feel like their own.
Because life’s too short to spend it living on autopilot.
