Let me spill the tea (with love, of course), without going all Taylor Swift and ragging out ex-lovers in my blog lyrics. But there is some stuff I really want to share about some recent experiences. Recently, I had a couple of experiences while online dating that left me reflecting on my self-trust in dating.
Navigating the dating world as a strong, intuitive woman? Here’s why self-trust—not perfectionism or people-pleasing—is your true relationship compass.
What is self-trust?
Self-trust is the quiet confidence, the voice, the knowing that whispers truth before the overthinking kicks in. It’s knowing and feeling that You have got You, unconditionally. It’s the gut feeling that nudges you toward alignment and away from chaos.
For many of us (especially the big-hearted helpers, healers, and overachievers), self-trust doesn’t always come easy. We second-guess ourselves, override our instincts and look outside for answers we already hold within.
Self-trust isn’t about being perfect or never making mistakes. It’s about knowing that even if things go sideways, you’ll be okay. You’ll have your own back. You’ll learn, adjust, and keep moving forward.
In dating, business, and everyday life, self-trust is your ultimate navigation system. When you anchor into it, you stop abandoning yourself for the comfort of others. You start living in full alignment with your truth, values and your emotional boundaries.
Self-trust in dating – Time for a revisit
Dating lately has been less about finding the one and more about finding my way back to me. Two strange experiences pulled me into fixer mode, but underneath that urge to help was a quiet voice saying, “This isn’t yours to carry.” I’d ignored it before. But not anymore. These moments reminded me that self-trust isn’t just about having gut feelings, it’s about honouring them. Every time I choose me, I build a deeper relationship with my own inner wisdom.
One of my experiences recently, which felt more like an accidental therapy session than a romantic connection, was quite revealing. And I don’t mean about him, but about me.
Date #1: The Wounded Warrior
You know that feeling when something’s off, but you’re not sure why, and instead of walking away, you try to help? Well that was me. The empath in full flight, wanting to understand, soothe, and support him (who were clearly walking around with unhealed wounds… and unknowingly looking for someone to carry them).
He shared (very early on) that he had a date (with another person) lined up that week, but his date had cancelled on him on the day of the date. He was hurt, defensive, and said something along the lines of “It’s hard to trust anyone these days, they had agreed to meet me finally and didn’t keep their word.” My first instinct was to go into reassurance mode, ‘Things come up, it’s good to be flexible as everyone has their stuff‘, gently validating his feelings ‘I’m sorry that happened, I understand how disappointing that would have felt‘, helping him reframe it ‘What’s something that helps you stay grounded or hopeful when things don’t go the way you planned?. I mean, I practically offered him a cup of emotional chamomile tea.
But here’s the kicker: it wasn’t mine to fix.
My intuition whispered, “He’s not available — emotionally or energetically.”
But my old pattern, shouted, “Maybe you can help!”
It was at this point, that I sat back and let the ‘fixer mask’ go. My ego was jumping the gun again and it was time to activate my self-trust superpower. Time to activate some self-trust. I sat, for some time and reflected on what had been said and knew that this was not my person.
Date #2: The Disappearing Act
This next experience was quite a shocker. It took two turns at seeing the fluttering red flag flapping in the breeze before my self-trust showed up. We had been chatting online and had arranged a date in a couple of days time. He had messaged again since and I responded back, he then responded with a fairly closed sort of a message ‘there she is‘ type thing. I genuinely didn’t have much more to say at that point and so I went about my merry day without another thought, still looking forward to our actual date in a couple of days time.
The next day however, I got a message from him ‘Guess I am being ghosted again, all the best‘. Well that was perplexing. Call me ignorant, but I didn’t realise I was expected to continue with the messaging back and forth before we had even met. I went straight into ‘fixer’ mode, apologised and explained and he agreed to still go on the date.
Well, here is Act 2 and this is the real juicy part. The day we were to meet, I showed up late because Google Maps sent me on a scenic detour and when I finally arrived, he was gone. I was ten minutes late, (surely a bit of fashionably late isn’t a crime?) Not only had he left, but when I sent him a message to ask he if was having trouble finding a park, he sent back aggressive messages accusing me of lying about being there.
Again, straight into ‘fixer’ mode; I messaged back with a photo of myself sitting at the table with the menu of the cafe in front of me. What followed was emotional whiplash when I proved I was there. His response ‘I was sitting near the front door, don’t lie!‘ So I sat there, with my double shot decaf late and let my intuition and self-trust kick in. It wasn’t about me being late. It was about his own stuff… the kind of stuff that makes someone punish you for wounds they haven’t healed.
Intuition Doesn’t Lie — But Sometimes We Lie to Ourselves
My gut told me something was off from the start. But I ignored it. Self-trust in dating is hard, because I wanted to believe the best. (And maybe also because I didn’t want to seem “too picky”… or “judgmental.” Ugh.)
Here’s the truth I needed to hear:
If your gut is whispering, “Something’s not quite right,” you don’t need more proof.
You don’t need to fix it, understand it, or make it make sense.
You need to listen.
And honestly, that kind of self-trust is a full-body yes to your future self.
Lessons from the Dates That Weren’t
Here’s what I’m choosing now:
- Trust the flicker — that moment of hesitation is wisdom, not weakness.
- Stop offering therapy in a cocktail dress. You’re not there to heal them.
- Let people reveal who they are — and believe them the first time.
- Compassion is beautiful. But boundaries? They’re holy.
The Pattern Breaker: Listening to My Inner Yes (and No)
I used to think intuition was this dramatic lightning bolt moment, a big booming voice from the universe. But it’s quiet and subtle. It’s the urge to pause. The twinge in your stomach. The way your energy dips when you’re around someone who drains you more than they give.
Now, I’m honoring those moments. Not just in dating, but in business, in friendships, in my own internal dialogue.
How to Build Self-Trust
If you’ve ever overridden your intuition in the name of “being nice,” “giving the benefit of the doubt,” or “maybe they just need a bit of support”, I see you.
This isn’t about becoming cold or closed off.
It’s about becoming a fierce steward of your own energy.
It’s about choosing people who meet you where you are — not where they want to drag you emotionally.
Self-trust isn’t something you either have or you don’t, it’s something you build. One tiny, honest choice at a time.
It starts by listening. Really listening. To that whisper in your gut, the twinge in your chest, or the quiet “no” you feel when something just doesn’t sit right. Your intuition is always speaking, the work is learning to stop overriding it.
Starting small to build Self-Trust
Keep a promise to yourself today (even if it’s just drinking that water or turning your phone off at 9).
Check in before you say “yes” — ask, “Do I actually want to do this?
Celebrate when you honour your needs. That’s self-trust in action.
And when you mess up, don’t beat yourself up. Reflect. Reconnect. Repair. That’s where trust deepens.
Self-trust in dating grows when you stop abandoning yourself for approval, perfection, or peacekeeping. It blooms when you choose you, not because it’s easy, but because it’s true.
The more you trust yourself, the less you’ll chase validation. And that, my friend, is when life starts to feel really aligned.
Want to read more about self-trust and how it can grow your self loyalty, jump over here Self Loyalty: How to Back Yourself Without Burning Out – Next Chapter Transformations
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